too easy to ache

my heart swells and sighs for the people i see, everyday reducing themselves to hate. i watch them directing, misdirecting their compressed confusion, their distilled disgust every which way but up. i watch them in traffic, in line-ups, on sidewalks releasing their inner demons, unabashedly belching out their frustration with a boss, a job, a lover, a fucked up world.

i empathize with them. i allow my energy to shift so that i resonate with them. and instantly, i feel my heart starting to ache, swollen with a depth of sorrow, of despair that wants to overtake me.

but then i take a step back, i take a deep breath, and i really watch. i watch very carefully, and i can see how these people are suffering because they are addicted to their ugly behaviour, in ways they haven't tried to understand. in ways i'm only just now beginning to understand. i know that for the majority of these people, their intentions are not ugly, nor are their souls. they mean well, and truly believe they want beauty in their world. but they don't take the time to watch themselves, to recognize how they perpetrate frustration and ugliness in their lives, letting it well up in them until they unleash it on any innocent (or at least unrelated) bystander.

and i realize that my propensity toward taking on this confusion, this anger, this sadness: this is my own behaviour addiction. addicted to their drama of sorrow and anger under the guise of an empathy that makes me ache, not act.

but i'm weaning myself. avidly focusing my energy on transforming that negativity into something positive, into a goal to strive toward. i'm reshaping my life so that all my energy - work, play, rest - is directed toward harmony. peace. compassion. that's the behaviour i want to become addicted to...